The Patterns of My Heart

April 14, 2016

I don't understand love.

Maybe as a Two-Spirit male I've wasted too much time on dysfunctional men so deep in the closet. Maybe I allowed my shame to guide me into the arms of these men. And maybe I thought all the hurt and pain they caused me, I somehow deserved.

Their closet went hand in hand with my shame. So I made this cage of "I'm gay" but never talk or live out in the open. Allowing only a chosen few to know what goes on in my well crafted world.

And when I needed to talk, no one was around, or knew what to say. They didn't know how to react when I opened the door for them.

I couldn't tell them how I thought I could save him. Or how I thought I could love him into loving himself. I really believed that I could offer him a way out.

The patterns of my heart have not been fair to me. My self worth as a gay man was in these broken men. Thinking I could go toe to toe in their player game.

Thinking I couldn't really get hurt because I was some how smarter than love.

So when I ramble on in the middle of the night, talking about how much I loved someone and now I feel indifferent. I might be lying.

Because I always wanted to be this warrior. I always wanted to be this savior. I wanted to be that hero.

But with my heart broken, all I can tell myself is "if I cry, I won't cry for him, I will cry for myself" Because after all this time, the shame, the healing, the dysfunction of me...

the only one worth saving is myself. The one worth loving is myself. The one worth finding a way out of my cage is me.